Power and control in relationships 

Whether you’ve just met or have been dating for a while, being in a relationship should feel good. You should feel safe and secure. But if you feel like your partner has all the power or control in your relationship, this could be a sign that something’s not right. 

Maybe you’ve heard about relationship red flags to look out for. Things like your partner pressuring you to do things you don’t want to do, controlling who you see or what you wear, or monitoring what you do online.  

But sometimes the signs of an unhealthy relationship can be subtle – so subtle, that you might not notice what’s happening, at least at first.  

So what should you look out for? Read on to find out more about power and control in unhealthy relationships, and what you should do if you’re worried.

What are power dynamics? 

Some relationships are built on unhealthy power dynamics. That means one person has more influence or ‘power’ than the other. It might be because of an age gap, or it might be due to money or status. Power imbalances can also happen because one person likes the other more, so they’re more invested in the relationship. Or maybe, they’ve been dating a while and have a bit more experience.  

Whatever the reason, if one person has more power and control in a relationship, and they use this to influence the other person, it’s not ok. It doesn’t matter whether it’s small things or making big decisions. It’s harmful and unhealthy. And if someone is deliberately controlling their partner, this is abuse.

Should each person have a ‘role’ in the relationship? 

Social media is full of misinformation, misogynistic language and harmful stereotypes about relationship roles. But these ideas are really dangerous. One partner shouldn’t be dominant in a relationship. Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect.  

In a healthy relationship there may be times when one person makes a decision without their partner or takes the lead in a situation. But if your partner makes all the decisions, you feel you can’t speak your mind or you feel completely reliant on them, then this isn’t healthy. It could even be a sign of coercive control.  

Are age gaps ok? 

Maybe you’ve met someone online and found out they’re older than you. Or maybe you’re already in a relationship with an age difference. It can feel exciting to have an older partner, especially when you’ve met someone you really like. But while it can be flattering to receive attention from someone who is older, there are some things you should be aware of. 

Ask yourself what benefits you both get from the relationship. Why do they want to date someone younger? Do you have similar interests and perspectives? Do they care about and respect you? 

An age gap might affect what you can do together. Like where you can go, especially if they’re old enough to go to parties or bars but you aren’t. Or they might have more money, so can afford to pay for things. This might not feel like a problem, at least at first, but you should never feel guilty or like your partner has ‘the final say’.  

If your partner is older and has more sexual experience than you then that can feel a bit intimidating. Sometimes it can mean they want to take things quicker than you’re comfortable with. If you feel like you need to ‘go along’ with things, or you’re worried you’ll lose them if you don’t, then this is a red flag.

Let’s talk about consent 

Consent means you can agree to something without feeling pressured, scared or like you can’t say no.  

To give your consent, you need to understand what’s happening and agree to it. But if your partner is much older, and asking you to do things that you’re not sure about or you’re not ready to do, then you can’t consent. It’s the same if they’re in a position of power or trust (like a teacher or youth group worker). These things mean they’re breaking the law. 

And it’s always illegal for someone over 16 to have sex with someone under 16. Even if you’ve both consented.  

What should you do if you’re worried about your relationship? 

If you’re worried that there’s an imbalance of power in your relationship, or that your partner is being controlling, then talk to a trusted adult. It may feel scary, but telling someone how you’re feeling and what’s happening will help you get the support you need.  

You should only speak to your partner if you feel safe to do so. If you’re worried about their reaction, the most important thing is that you keep yourself safe.  

And remember, if you’re experiencing control or a power imbalance in your relationship, this is never your fault.  

Find out more about:

• Coercive control
• Challenging misogyny and sexism
• Online dating