‘Why don’t they just leave’
Let’s take a closer look at why victims often face blame. It’s common to wonder, “Why don’t they just leave?” or “If it were me, I’d walk away.” But the truth is, it’s rarely that straightforward. Some assume that if someone stays in a bad relationship, it can’t be that bad, or they might think they’re overreacting. But leaving is often much more complicated than it seems, and sometimes, people don’t even recognise they’re in a harmful situation.
1. Gaslighting, control or manipulation:
Gaslighting, control, and manipulation are warning signs of abuse that often start early in a relationship. When we’re being gaslit or manipulated, our reality can become warped, leading us to believe that we are the problem. Under their control, we might become co-dependent, feeling like we can’t trust our own judgment or capabilities. This co-dependence makes it harder to leave, as we might be coerced into feeling equally responsible for the issues in the relationship and sometimes we might not even realise our relationship is abusive, we might unintentionally normalise or minimise the abuse.
2. Guilt:
In our relationships, we might start feeling guilty, becoming co-dependent, and wondering how our partner would cope without us. They might manipulate us by suggesting that breaking up would harm their mental health. They may even hint at or openly threaten suicide. This can leave us feeling responsible for their well-being, making it even tougher to walk away. But it’s important to remember that we’re not responsible for their happiness, and our well-being matters too.
3. Self worth
Leaving a toxic relationship can leave us feeling unworthy of healthy love. Our partner might have convinced us that we’re worthless and that nobody else would ever care for us like they do. It’s easy to start believing them when we don’t know any different. But the truth is, everyone deserves love and respect, and everyone deserves a relationship that uplifts them. Even if we’ve been through emotional abuse or control, it’s essential to recognise our own worth and strive for the healthy love we deserve.
4. Conflict/fear
We might fear the conflict that can arise from leaving someone. In an abusive relationship, leaving can be incredibly dangerous. If you are afraid to leave because of concerns for your safety, or if your partner has threatened to harm anyone else if you leave, please reach out to Women’s Aid via our live chat for support or reach out via helpline@womensaid.org.uk. Support is available for you.
5. Isolation
Break ups are hard, and we often rely on friends and family for support. In an unhealthy relationship, our partner might isolate us from our support system, making it even more difficult to let go. This is especially challenging if we live with our partner and feel like we have nowhere else to go.
6. No where to go
Leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship can be especially challenging due to practical reasons. Maybe we’re financially dependent on our partner because we live with them. Or perhaps a disability prevents us from working, or our immigration status limits our access to benefits. Some of us might not even have family support or the means to open a bank account for financial independence. Understanding these broader challenges helps us support each other better. It’s crucial to look beyond the relationship and consider how other life factors might complicate someone’s decision to leave to leave their abuser. Your journey to leaving is totally your own, but just know that there’s help out there, and we’ve got your back every step of the way. If you’re dealing with an unhealthy or abusive relationship, chat to us. We’re here to help.
Looking for help or someone to talk to? Visit our Support Page – we’re here for you!