Coercive control

Coercive control

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Domestic abuse isn’t always physical. Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim. Physical violence or the threat of physical violence is not always needed to establish an atmosphere of fear and control.

This controlling behaviour is designed to make a person dependent by isolating them from support, exploiting them, depriving them of independence and regulating their everyday behaviour. 

Coercive control creates invisible chains and a sense of fear that pervades all elements of a victim’s life. It works to limit their human rights by depriving them of their freedom of choice and reducing their ability for action. Experts liken coercive control to being taken hostage. As he says: “the victim becomes captive in an unreal world created by the abuser, entrapped in a world of confusion, contradiction and fear.” 

At Women’s Aid we campaigned and succeeded in making coercive control a criminal offence. This has marked a huge step forward in tackling domestic abuse. But now we want to make sure that everyone understands what it is. 

How do you know if this is happening to you?

Some common examples of coercive behaviour are:

• Isolating you from friends and family – This can manifest in a number of different ways from physically or verbally forbidding you to see your friends and family, to starting arguments about them, to a point where you feel it’s less of a hassle just to not see them. See our page on isolation to learn more.  

• Depriving you of basic needs, such as food – this is a tactic used to dominate and control you, it’s a deliberate attempt to strip away autonomy and assert power. It can also make you dependent on the abuser, and unable to challenge their control.   

• Monitoring you online, who you communicate with etc – this is a big one, by monitoring who you are talking to online, your abuser is invading your privacy and creating an environment where you are feeling watched and unable to do, say the things or talk to the people you normally would online. See our page on online and digital abuse to learn more.  

• Silent treatment – The silent treatment is abuse when it’s coming from a place of punishment and only stops when you apologise or give in to what they want. It’s a way of manipulating you. You’re changing how you act just to avoid getting silent treatment. It’s like you’re tiptoeing around to avoid being ignored. That’s not okay. Visit out page on the silent treatment to learn more.  

• Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep- This kind of control is a serious form of abuse. It limits your freedom, making you feel stuck and helpless while the other person keeps power over your choices and independence.  

• Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services – This kind of control cuts you off from essential help, making it harder to take care of yourself while giving the abuser more power over your life.  

• Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless – this will chip away self-esteem and you are less likely to trust your own judgement on things, making you feel inadequate and dependent on your abuser.   

• Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you – similarly this will break down your self-worth and dignity, creating feelings of shame and powerlessness.  

• Controlling your finances- Controlling your money can limit your freedom by deciding how you spend, restricting your access to cash, or stopping you from working. This makes it harder to leave the relationship and regain control over your life. For more information about financial abuse visit Surviving Economic Abuse  

• Making threats or intimidating you – Threats and intimidation in a relationship are meant to control and manipulate you through fear. This can include things like threatening harm to you or to themselves using fear to get what they want. These tactics force you into submission and can make you feel powerless, undermining your confidence and your ability to make your own choices. It’s a way for the abuser to maintain control over your life.  

• Threatening to hurt or kill themselves if you leave – used to make you feel guilty or responsible for their actions, pressuring you to stay in the relationship. Remember, their threats are about control, not love, and it’s important to reach out to a trusted person or professional for support if you’re in this situation. Threats of suicide or self-harm are very scary to hear but they are also common and powerful tools of control used by abusive people. If you have concerns that someone is a risk to themselves you have every right to contact appropriate services such as police, ambulance, crisis team etc for the to receive the professional support they need. This cannot be your responsibility to carry at the cost of your own freedom of choice.  

Think you might be in an unhealthy relationship?? Take our healthy relationships quiz.  

If you think you might be experiencing coercive control reach out to us today via our live chat open Weekdays 8am-6pm and Weekend 10am-6pm. For support visit out support page.

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