Chloe
I met Adam* in person after speaking to him online for almost 2 years. When we met, we instantly hit it off. The whole relationship is a blur now. But I think the abuse started before I even met him.
It was my first relationship, and we were long distance. What I know now was that he was love bombing me, but at the time I didn’t even know that was a thing.
‘He questioned what I was wearing…He would tell me that I needed to respect him with my clothing choices.’
Our relationship changed soon after it started, and he would change his tone over messages. He would ask me who I was going out with and what I was doing. He made it seem like this was what respect in a relationship was like. He would ask me about my male friendships and question them.
This then escalated. He’d be in contact with me 24/7 over text or phone calls. He would make sly comments and get angry with me if I didn’t comply with what he was asking me.
I went to a day festival, about four months into our relationship. He questioned what I was wearing. He told me my shorts and halter top were inappropriate. He would tell me that I needed to respect him with my clothing choices. I had no signal at the festival, he was ringing me and texting me as he found out my male friend was there. He then ‘broke up with me’ over the phone. He would scream and shout down the phone at me.
It got to the point where I had to tell him every single detail of my day, what I was doing, when I woke up etc. he would always tell me that I loved my job more than him. He made me feel bad for having a job I was passionate about.
‘He would upset me and do awful things, then he’d pretend like everything was fine and go back to being really lovely. This was extremely confusing.’
He accused me of liking someone I worked with. Which I didn’t. He found this person’s number and contacted him telling him to leave me alone and asking if I’d messaged him. This was extremely upsetting as I had just started my job, didn’t know anyone well enough there to confide in and didn’t want to lose the job. What made it worse was that I felt I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on.
He would upset me and do awful things, then he’d pretend like everything was fine and go back to being really lovely. This was extremely confusing.
He upset me on my birthdays and ruined the day. For instance, he said he was coming to visit me on my 22nd birthday, then on the day he told me I’d done something wrong, he blocked me and never visited me when I’d told all my friends he was going to. The next day, he made the effort to come all the way to see me, bringing me back in and forgiving him.
After we split up, he continued to harass me and the people I knew. He’d call and text me hundreds of times. He’d comment on my social media posts. He tried to say that I had cheated on him and tried to paint me as the bad person. He sent me a Valentine’s Day card too on Valentine’s Day, it wasn’t signed from him, but I knew it was him. This was two months after we had split up. He used my clothes that I had left at his house to keep me attached. He made me send his back, after promising he’d send mine too, but never did.
‘Making that decision to leave was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make but the best one I’ve ever made.’
Looking back now, I’m so glad I took the plunge. Leaving was hard, but it got better, slowly but surely. I was able to have my life back. It’s taken a lot of getting used to it, but I’m so grateful for the support I’ve had.
I was very lucky to have the support I did with the police; I felt heard and seen. I’ve been very open with sharing my story to show others that you’re not alone and life does get better once you’re free.
I’ve got my life back again, and I’m rediscovering who I am. I’ve since rekindled friendships, got a new amazing job, been able to be free and enjoy every day. Theres no more guilt or stress, I now live in my own world.
I now enjoy every day, I can be spontaneous, I can look forward to events such as birthdays and Christmas, saying yes to plans!
*This is a pseudonym; names have been changed to protect the identity of the survivor.
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Mia’s Story
I sent him a picture of my outfit and he made a comment that ‘if you were my girlfriend I wouldn’t really want you wearing that’ and I was like ‘oh do you not like it’ and he said ‘it’s just a bit revealing.’ Then I got changed and sent him a picture back. He didn’t tell me to do that, but it was just that sort of comment that I was like ‘oh he doesn’t like it I’ll just get changed.’
