What is abuse?
People often assume that abuse is physical violence, but that is not always the case.
An abusive relationship is a type of relationship where one person uses various forms of power and control to dominate and harm the other person emotionally, mentally, physically, or sexually. The abusive partner may use tactics such as manipulation, threats, intimidation, isolation, coercion, gaslighting, and violence to maintain power and control over the victim and restrict their choices.
Understanding the different types of abuse
Verbal abuse is when someone uses words to hurt you or make you feel bad about yourself. It is just as harmful as physical abuse, even though it doesn’t leave any marks on your body.
If someone is frequently calling you names or shouting at you, that is verbal abuse. It can make you feel sad, scared, or like you’re not good enough.
Emotional abuse is when someone says or does things that hurt your feelings, make you feel bad about yourself, or make you doubt your worth as a person. It can be hard to recognise because it doesn’t leave physical marks like hitting or pushing, but it is just as harmful.
If someone is always telling you that you’re stupid or that you’re not good enough or is demanding to know where you are all the time – that is emotional abuse. It can make you feel sad, scared, or like you can’t do anything right.
Physical abuse is when someone hurts you by hitting, grabbing, pushing, or in any way which causes pain or injury to your body. This also includes female genital mutilation (FGM).
If someone hits you or pulls your hair, that is physical abuse. It can be scary and painful, and it is important to tell someone you trust if it happens to you.
Controlling or coercive behaviour is when someone tries to control what you do, who you talk to, and how you think or feel. They may use threats or try to frighten you to make you do what they want, even if it’s not what you want. The abuser will often say they are acting in this way because they love you or are worried about you.
If someone is always telling you what to wear, who to be friends with, or where to go, that is controlling behaviour. It can be scary and make you feel like you don’t have any control over your own life. Read more about control here.
Gaslighting is when someone makes you doubt your own thoughts and feelings by making you think that you’re wrong or crazy. They may say things like “you’re imagining things” or “that never happened” when you know that it did.
If someone keeps telling you that something didn’t happen even though you know it did, or if they try to make you think that your feelings are wrong or silly, that is gaslighting. It can be very confusing and make you feel like you can’t trust your own thoughts and feelings.
Economic abuse is a form of controlling or coercive behaviour. This is when someone takes control of your money or belongings without your permission. They may prevent or limit you from spending your own money, or use your money to buy things for themselves
If someone takes your money or your things without asking, or if they make you give them your money or things, it is financial abuse.
Economic abuse can also include someone controlling your education and employment. For example, if someone tries to stop you from studying or applying to university, that is also abuse. Surviving Economic Abuse have loads of resources on their website to help you work out if you might be experiencing economic abuse and how to get help.
Sexual abuse is when someone forces you or threatens you to make you have sexual activity or contact with them. This includes any sexual act that you did not consent to and doesn’t just mean penetrative sex. It includes kissing and unwanted touching.
If you say yes because you are frightened or have been pressured into it – this is not consent. Remember, even if you have said yes in the past, it does not give someone the right to do it again without your consent.
If you think you might have experienced sexual violence, Rape Crisis can support you. In an emergency, always call 999.
Tech abuse, also known as digital abuse, is when someone uses technology like computers, phones, or social media to hurt or control you. It can include things like hacking into your accounts, sending you insulting or threatening messages, constantly messaging you or using social media to track you.
If someone is always sending you mean messages or posting embarrassing things about you online, that is tech abuse. It can make you feel sad, scared, or like you can’t trust anyone.
So-called ‘Honour’ based abuse is when someone hurts you because they believe you have brought shame or dishonour to your family or community. This can include things like disobeying cultural or religious rules, or doing things that are considered unacceptable or shameful by your family or community.
If someone hurts you because you want to dress in a certain way, or because you want to be in a relationship with someone your family doesn’t approve of, that is ‘honour’- based abuse. It can be scary and make you feel like you can’t be yourself.
Karma Nirvana run the Honour Based Abuse Helpline which you can call free on 0800 5999 247. People reach out for many reasons and if you're not sure if you need support, but still want to talk to someone about what's going on, this is a safe and confidential way to reach out.
IKWRO provide advice, support, advocacy in Arabic, Kurdish, Turkish, Dari, Pashto, Farsi, and English to girls facing forced marriage, child marriage, female genital mutilation, and ‘honour’-based violence. If you need help or advice, you can call them on 0207 920 6460.
Forced marriage is when someone is made to marry someone else without their consent. They might threaten you or use violence. This is different to an arranged marriage, which take place with the consent of both people.
For example, if someone is told that they must marry someone even though they don’t want to, or if they are threatened with harm or violence if they don’t agree to the marriage, that is forced marriage.
If you are worried that you're being pressured to get married, contact Karma Nirvana’s helpline on 0800 5999 247. They will be able to give you up-to-date advice.
Female genital mutilation (FGM) is a procedure performed on a woman or girl to remove her external genitalia partially or fully, or to damage or change her genitalia for non-medical reasons. It is very painful and can have serious and long-lasting health impacts. It can be life-threatening as it is often carried out by a non-professional.
IKWRO provide advice, support, advocacy in Arabic, Kurdish, Turkish, Dari, Pashto, Farsi, and English to girls facing forced marriage, child marriage, female genital mutilation, and ‘honour’-based violence. If you need help or advice, please call: 020 7920 6460.
Disability abuse is where someone uses the persons disability or health condition as part of the abuse. They might refuse to help you with tasks, isolate you from your friends or say that you are ugly or useless because of your disability.
Stalking is when someone watches, follows, or bothers you repeatedly, making you feel unsafe and scared.
This can also include receiving unwanted gifts or attention, or turning up invited when you are seeing your friends or family. These behaviours can be perceived as romantic, but if it’s non-consensual, breaks your boundaries and makes you feel comfortable that’s abuse.
If you ever feel like someone is following you or bothering you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, it’s important to get help and tell someone.
Paladin, the National Stalking Advisory Service has the following advice:
Trust yourself and your instincts
Report it as early as possible to the police and tell others what is happening
Get advice from Paladin or the Suzy Lamplugh Trust
Keep evidence of what’s happening, try writing a diary
If you are a young LGBTQ+ person facing abuse, there are resources and support available to help you. Check out our LGBTQ+ advice pages made in collaboration with Loving Me for more information.
Abusive behaviour can range from subtle forms of emotional abuse, such as using insults or put-downs, to more severe forms of physical violence, such as hitting, slapping, or sexual assault.
It’s important to remember that abuse is never your fault, and there are people who can support you to get help.
Looking for help or someone to talk to? Visit our Support Page – we’re here for you!
Your voice matters, sharing your story as a young survivor of domestic abuse can make a huge difference to others going through similar stuff. When you speak up anonymously, it can be a real comfort to someone feeling isolated. Your privacy is totally protected, so you can share without any worries at all. This is a safe space just for you to open up and make a difference without any fear.
Do you have a story to tell? Email website@womensaid.org.uk
